What Do You Do When You Can’t Do Anything?

OK here is the deal. This is not going to be a nice uplifting blog, or maybe it is, I don't really know how it is going to turn out. Here is the deal, my sister died on Monday morning, which was the 5^th anniversary of my dad's death. I wish I could say that we were close. I wish I could say that I could go to a funeral and mourn her death in a normal, healthy manner. I can't say those things. Instead my life and my relationship with her is very complicated. Best-selling novel complicated.

Without going into too much detail, I have to give you some background. My sister, Linda, was my dad's adopted daughter from his first marriage. She was mentally challenged and had many problems. After my dad's divorce, Linda stayed with her mother. Being mentally handicapped, she was able to get a job for awhile as a beautician's helper, but not able to keep it. She eventually married, a man who was also mentally handicapped, and had two children. That marriage ended in divorce, and Linda's mother ended up with custody of her children. Linda ended up alone and estranged from her kids for most of her life.

So here is the thing. Linda's life was a mess. She was very lonely and had very little opportunity. Once her mother got her kids, Linda was not able to be around them. Neither were any of us allowed to see her children. She was not able to keep her job and she was not able to do very much. She did not have any friends and when she did get friends, it seemed they were always the kind to take advantage of her.

Linda loved me. When she would visit, she would pretend that she was my mother and I was her baby. When she was a teenager, and came to visit us, she took care of me and pulled me around in a wagon, because I was in bandages (the details of that are for another story!). Linda loved me so much that she named her son after me. Whenever we talked she would show such kindness and affection.

Linda's life was tragic. I have often wrestled with God when it comes to her plight. Why was she born without the capacity to be independent enough to have a joy filled life? Why was her mother so mean to her all the time? Why were we as a family so unable to help her? Why would her mom protest anytime we tried to get her help, but then not provide the help herself? Everything we tried failed miserably. It seemed that God was not working and would not let us work. Linda's mom died last year and I went out to help her with the funeral. I had not seen my sister in 10 years. She looked horrible and was living in a horrible situation, but again refused help. Her kids also refused to accept the help or heed the advice they needed to make any slight improvement to their lives.

Monday I got the call from her son that Linda died during the night in a hospital. I did not know she was sick until it was too late. There will be no funeral for Linda. Her children have refused.

My heart is broken. Was she scared? Was she feeling alone in the hospital? Did she know that God loved her and that I did too? How is it that I am able to help others, but not my own sister? Where is God in all of this? Where is God in the darkest areas of our lives? Can God reach the places we can't see - those places where we fail to look or fail to reach?

In his book, The Prophetic Imagination Walter Brueggemann writes this: "God works on both sides of the street." Bruegemann is discussing how God is working in the darkness as well as the light, specifically working on Pharaoh and Israel at the same time. I take comfort in this true statement.

I have to trust that God was working in Linda's life although I could not see it. Just as the Israelites were not aware of what God was doing in Pharaoh's life, I have no idea what God was doing with Linda. I will trust that the God who saved my life, was working in the life of my sister, despite my doubts and lack of faith. I know God loved and loves Linda. That has to be enough to get me through today.